Marital Comedy Enthusiast Gifts

'I don't care if he takes the pressure off of you when we talk -- get rid of the co-host!'

"My wife's gonna kill me. I've got her keys."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"You call that worrying?"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."