Marital Humor Aficionado Gifts

'Sold to the gentleman with the hysterical wife.'

'Trouble is he doesn't know the difference between lube and putty. . . Our windows fell out!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"No heroic measures."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"