Marital Humor Aficionado Gifts

'Sold to the gentleman with the hysterical wife.'

Hi! Did you know September is Wife Awareness Month? Hold on, I'll get my wife. It's me. You idiot.

'Trouble is he doesn't know the difference between lube and putty. . . Our windows fell out!'

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

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'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"No heroic measures."

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'