Marital Humor Lover Gifts

"I don't hate him because he's black. I hate him because he's my husband."

"For one million dollars, what have I been talking about for the past ten minutes: the upcoming election, my mother, my job, or an article in the Home section about kitchen makeovers?"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"I left my wife today. Of course it was to pick up her dry cleaning and feminine products but it felt good."

'Darling, when are you going to finish my half of the canoe?'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

"You don't even feign interest any more."

"It's time I faced the facts, Clara, I married an absolute bird-brain!"

"I'm sorry, did you say something you haven't said a million times before?"

"Look, I've already told you. There's not enough room in the saucer to abduct your wife."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"No heroic measures."

'I told you he had a temper.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."