Marital Humor Lover Pillows

"I don't hate him because he's black. I hate him because he's my husband."

"For one million dollars, what have I been talking about for the past ten minutes: the upcoming election, my mother, my job, or an article in the Home section about kitchen makeovers?"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"I left my wife today. Of course it was to pick up her dry cleaning and feminine products but it felt good."

'Darling, when are you going to finish my half of the canoe?'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

"You don't even feign interest any more."

"It's time I faced the facts, Clara, I married an absolute bird-brain!"

"I'm sorry, did you say something you haven't said a million times before?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"No heroic measures."

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."