Marital Humor Appreciator Pillows

'Then we agree - I'll slap a gag order on your wife, and you slap a gag order on my wife.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"No heroic measures."

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

'Do you promise to love her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until one day she decides to bite off your head and eat you.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"