Marital Banter Appreciator Pillows

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Touché"

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"No heroic measures."

'Do you promise to love her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until one day she decides to bite off your head and eat you.'

'If someone objects to this union, tweet now or forever hold your peace...'

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

'Dear Henry, and dear Liza, for the sake of the relationship, just buy a new bucket!'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

Hypnotizing Women

"Where has the magic gone, George?"

"Let's go for the four-slot toaster."

"I don't like this hot dish."

"'Till death do you part?"

"Is that your answer for everything...fold in a stick of butter?"