Marital Banter Enthusiast Pillows

Wake up! You're hogging all the nails again.

'Always arguing, questioning, no patience, no respect for authority...'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"No heroic measures."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Well, first of all, he can't find anything, ever. I have to find the man's socks, his toothbrush

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

'Could you speak up Mrs Jones, I didn't hear what the problem is...'