Marriage Joke Appreciator Pillows

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

"...so it appears we were talking to his butt that entire time."

Laughing Zone Ahead

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

'Excuse me, I ordered Matzo Ball soup.'

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

'HEY! Shouldn't that be a reef-knot?!'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

"...you mean this is the end of the 3 bandidoes?"

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"Have you had a stressful experience lately, such as an accident?"

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

OMG.

Due to Global Warming Penguins have been Spotted Far from their Natural Habitat

"Calm down! That was a massive fart, NOT a sneeze!"

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'This isn't Armageddon... it's a bar brawl on a Saturday night. Let Pestilence read the map.'

Medicine bottle - If symptoms persist, die!

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"...and the dung was this big!.... No...elephant, actually."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'...Oh yeah? Well I've never heard of the 'denture fairy'.'

'I'd probably do a lot better if the teachers weren't set to 'auto-correct.''

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

Smart 3 Piece Suite.