Marriage Joke Appreciator Pillows

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"...so it appears we were talking to his butt that entire time."

What's an Imax cave?

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

Laughing Zone Ahead

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

Florist. A vase for everything and everything in its vase.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'Excuse me, I ordered Matzo Ball soup.'

'HEY! Shouldn't that be a reef-knot?!'

"...you mean this is the end of the 3 bandidoes?"

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

'I'm counter - intelligence'

"Have you had a stressful experience lately, such as an accident?"

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

'...Oh yeah? Well I've never heard of the 'denture fairy'.'

"...and the dung was this big!.... No...elephant, actually."

OMG.

Medicine bottle - If symptoms persist, die!

"Calm down! That was a massive fart, NOT a sneeze!"

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

Split the last one?

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'This isn't Armageddon... it's a bar brawl on a Saturday night. Let Pestilence read the map.'

Due to Global Warming Penguins have been Spotted Far from their Natural Habitat

'I'd probably do a lot better if the teachers weren't set to 'auto-correct.''

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"He's been like that ever since he stopped eating the stuff and began smoking it."