Marriage Joke Aficionado Pillows

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"No heroic measures."

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'Do you Margaret take Charles to be your etc, etc, etc...just hit the 'I agree' button.'

'I told you he had a temper.'

"His note says the bachelor party was so great, he's decided to remain a bachelor."

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"Now that that's over, let me tell you what I'm really like"

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'