Marriage Hilarity Enthusiast Pillows

'I married Miss Right... I just didn't know her first name was Always!'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"No heroic measures."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."