Marriage Humor Enthusiasts Pillows

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Husband home more - please help.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"No heroic measures."

"You call that worrying?"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."