Marriage Humor Fans Pillows

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

"Would you please bring the endangered species here a drink?"

Married people live longer

"My wife isn't speaking to me."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'You may now kick the bride.'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"You knew I was hooked when you married me!"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

His and Hers Wedding

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"Yes ... no!"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'