Marital Humor Fans Pillows

'Remember that part about 'til death do us part'? Well, it's been nice knowing you.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"No heroic measures."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'I told you he had a temper.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."