Marital Humor Fans Gifts

'Remember that part about 'til death do us part'? Well, it's been nice knowing you.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"No heroic measures."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'I told you he had a temper.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."