Marriage Humor Fan Gifts

'You wanted me to take you to my leader. Well, my wife is my leader.'

'Hello, 911? It's my husband! I don't know what's wrong with him. He said there's nothing on TV and he just wants to talk!'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

'Oh sit down Harold, Alice doesn't want to hear our problems!'

'Do you miss your wife?' - 'Not really - this is the only place where I can finish a sentence.'

"Mom just said she has full confidence in the job you're doing. You know that means you're already halfway out the door, don't you Dad?"

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

'I don't really want to report my wife missing-just her voice will do.'

'That's no stray, walk your wife's dog in your own time, Simkins!'

'To be perfectly honest, I cross the road to get away from my husband.'

Henry, it seems your icecap is melting too.

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

"Your wife doesn't understand you! What is wife?"

"Do you take Tom for better or worse. Through sickness and health. Until Thanksgiving do you part?"

"You had me up all night. You were clicking in your sleep again."

"So you want me to ink - 'I'm the head-honcho around this joint!'"

"Knock it off, Martin! I said it was election day. Election day!"

Training Lucky to sit, fetch, and rollover wasn't difficult. I used the same techniques on John.

'Actually, Mommy married Daddy because he ran unopposed.'

"It's his favorite time of year."

For the last time, Lucy, my name is Arthur..

'I told you he had a temper.'

'Steve's divorce was really harsh - His wife got the house.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Are you sure you want to marry my daughter? -- I can make you a much better deal on my WIFE.'

Getting home late is not always the best option.

"Yes! I'm still on the phone! You knew I was a yak when you married me!"

"...I'll be droping you off at the kennel, on the way to the airport."

"By the way...there's a 'kiss my ass' casserole on the counter!"

"George, when last did you give those shoes a clean?"

"I'll be back – I'm going to run from my emotions."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'