Marriage Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Husband home more - please help.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"No heroic measures."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'