Marriage Humor Lovers Gifts

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

Yep, marriage really domesticated Al. Now he sleeps like a dog, eats like a pig, and smells like a goat.

"I deliberately married an archaeologist because I thought the older I got, the more interest you would show in me..."

"Get with the program, Barry, the certificate clearly said, 'till death do we part'."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Man with lobotomy scar - "Changed my mind."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"No heroic measures."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."