Marriage Humor Gifts

"You only hear the things you want to hear."

'First I put some odds and ends in storage, then some furniture, and finally, Edgar.'

'No...I said I'd lost my 'purpose'!'

'He's been poaching for forty years and she couldn't take it any more.'

'The recipe said 'stand for five minutes'.'

'I do what the voices in my wife's head tell me to do.'

"I overpowered and married him."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

'The House Of Mystery'

'It's his idea of a joke'

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

'Sorry, dear, did you say something?'

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'

'Have you found my husband's temper yet?'

'Celery?! Why you kinky devil!'

"Do you know how distracting it is when you spin the chamber on that revolver?"

"Let's take in a trial."

Husband and wife shooting

'I'm worried about Reggie's health...he's still as fit as a flea.'

The seven year itch. 'Relax, it's only fleas.'

'I bet your Sunday mornings are different now you're married,eh Sam?'

"This silent treatment is getting worse. She's gone from just texts to emojis only."

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'Mother was right! All you'll ever be good for is chewing furniture!!'

"If we go vegan, can we eat pollen, but not nectar or vice versa or both or neither?"

'No wonder this mobile doesn't work!'

'My sister married some bum of a copy machine — he only works now and then!'

'If the children can grow up and leave home, why can't you?'

'Don't panic, Miss, it's for gifts. No one's going to do a background check.'

'The trouble with marriage is that you can't change channels.'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

'It's only 8 months in minimum security. Much like your first marriage.'

'''You forgot our wedding anniversary again. So I replaced you crucifix with a fly swat. Hahaha! Yours, Mrs Van Helsing.' What the...''

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."