Marriage Jokes Gifts

'I do want a husband who cares about me, Randy, but I don't need intensive care!'

The Canine's version of cans tied to the back of a wedding car driving off with Cats attached

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Never mind singing it in rap... a simple 'I do' will suffice.'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

"I don't like this hot dish."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

"Where has the magic gone, George?"

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'