Marriage Joke Lover Gifts

"I'm not pretending to be asleep—I'm pretending to be sexually satisfied."

'The worst part about marriage is the unpaid overtime.'

'I finally got him to change but now he's doing 8 - 10 years in Sing Sing.'

"Never mind that -- I have an idea for marriage term limits!"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."