Marital Jokes Gifts

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"No heroic measures."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'