Marital Humor Gifts

'I wish to lose all excess weight.'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'I've never liked you mother, so why would I 'like' her on facebook.'

'I don't care how much you paid for it! It's not staying in our bed!'

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

There's someone else, isn't there?

Garage Sale! Everything Must Go!

Divorce papers delivery.

"Where has the magic gone, George?"

"I don't like this hot dish."

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

"My wife got the sails in the divorce."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

His and Hers Wedding

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."