Humor In Marriage Gifts

'I wanted to grow old together but I had no idea it would look like this!'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"No heroic measures."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'I told you he had a temper.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."