Married Life Humor Gifts

'My wife's an optician'

Man putting his brain in glass before bed.

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"No heroic measures."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."