Married Life Humorists Gifts

'Hey, honey, remember when I told you to expect a big surprise on our anniversary? Well, I snuck off to go hunting with Cliff - SURPRISE!'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

A trompe l'oeil husband

'God knows where you libido went!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"You call that worrying?"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'