Married Life Humorists Gifts

'Hey, honey, remember when I told you to expect a big surprise on our anniversary? Well, I snuck off to go hunting with Cliff - SURPRISE!'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

A trompe l'oeil husband

'God knows where you libido went!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"