Marital Humorist Gifts

Rev. Bob, The Realist: '...You may now go from adoring to criticizing each other.'

'We get along so much better after I disabled the 'Comments' function of our relationship!'

'Quit interrupting me. You were always doing that.'

"Have you tried rebooting him?"

'The last thing I remember, my wife said it would not hurt to compliment her once in a while.'

'No wonder this mobile doesn't work!'

A New Development in the war between the Sexes: Guilt Seeking Missile

'Go on, say it, 'Only one?''

'My wife says our marriage has been a sham for years.'

'Stop that, Harold'

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'

'I pursued the ol' M-R-S degree, with a concentration in all of his shortcomings.'

"We've been married for forty years. Haven't you had enough sex yet?"

'Walter, are you avoiding me?'

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

'He keeps pointing me out to his friends. Apparently, no one believed he'd ever find someone desperate enough.'

'Believe me, Dear - Marriage is stranger than fiction.'

"I'll tell you why she's got to come in - she's my wife!"

'I get my best riot training at home.'

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

"You will tell me when my Covid19 quarantine's over...and I can come out of the shed, won't you, dear?"

"I don't understand why you insist on pushing all my buttons—they all do the same thing."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"Well, goodbye, Emily. It's May 19th. You may remember my having mentioned some time ago that I was going to leave you on May 19th."

"The problem with you is that you try to be a lot nicer than you really are."

"I took your vitamins."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'And this is for couples who, whilst not actively seeking divorce, have agreed to keep apart by two chevrons.'

'Oh stop, Harold! You're having an argument at home, not at the ball park!'

Marriage Guidance

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

Inventive Ways to Get Rid of Your Husband

'Stop going on about all the other men you could have married - I think about the lucky beggars all the time.'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."