Married Couple Humorist Gifts

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"You call that worrying?"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."