Married Couple Humorist Gifts

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"You call that worrying?"

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."