Couple Humorist Gifts

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"You can stop smiling... I just said I wanted a divorce to see if you were listening!"

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Stand-up Romcom

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

"You have your emotional support animal and I have mine."

"OK - I'll say it again - I love you even more than my p******* hour."

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

Certificate in Living Room Celebrating Three Days Without Argument

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

"I'll start dancing like Fred Astaire, when you stop dancing like Nellie the Elephant!"

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

"You'd better switch off your personal alarm I don't want to to disturb your parents."

"I can write my name in the snow. I bet you can't do that."

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'