Comedic Couple Humorist Gifts

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Stand-up Romcom

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"You call that worrying?"