Couples Humorist Gifts

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"You call that worrying?"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."