Couples Humorist Gifts

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"You call that worrying?"

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."