Couple Therapy Humorist Gifts

"Let's go to a nice, quiet cafe and scream at each other."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"You're completely screwed up."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"How long have I had what problem?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

Computer help.