Marriage Therapist Humor Gifts

'To be honest Fran, our marriage is going through a tricky patch.'

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"I knew you'd understand."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"You call that worrying?"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."