Marriage Therapist Humor Gifts

'To be honest Fran, our marriage is going through a tricky patch.'

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"I knew you'd understand."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'