Marital Counselor Humor Gifts

'We don't bond any more.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"No heroic measures."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."