Marriage Counselor's Comedy Gifts

"Give it a rest, Beryl!"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

"You call that worrying?"

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'