Marriage Counselor's Comedy Gifts

"Give it a rest, Beryl!"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"You call that worrying?"

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."