Marriage Counselor Laugh Gifts

"Bad sex! Bad, bad, bad sex!"

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

Google Translate for Marriagese

'I wish to lose all excess weight.'

'We don't bond any more.'

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

"What ever happened to 'Never go to bed angry'?"

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

Your nose used to light up and buzz when I touched you.

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

"Where has the magic gone, George?"

"This better work out."

'You were on your fishing trip so long I met someone new and raised a family.'

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'