Marriage Counselor Humor Gifts

"Sometimes I think you only married me because I lived next door!"

"Is that my pipe?"

'You were on your fishing trip so long I met someone new and raised a family.'

"Renew our vows! What. . . all of them?!"

Unfortunatel for Bob, his wit was much quicker than his ability to duck a flying plate of crab legs.

"Have I been a good husband, Audrey?"

"Retirement? No thanks!"

Bye, Bye, Slob!

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Other than performing the Heimlich, when was the last time you put your arms around me?'

'I'm sorry but he can't come to the phone right now. He's busy making amends for being late for supper.'

'Not the car. Mother is recalling me for the correction of a major defect in my marriage - you.'

'Oh, your assets have been frozen.'

"This better work out."

Life With The Invisible Man

"It's my first husband. He's trying to win me back."

Couple trying to drive in different directions.

"You have to get closer to that banana peel for me to believe you're serious."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'