Marriage Counselor Humorist Gifts

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'He does.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

The Aisle

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."