Marriage Counselor Humorist Pillows

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'He does.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

The Aisle

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."