Relationship Counselor Humor Gifts

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

Santa finds his wife in bed with a melted snowman on the floor.

'I'm sick of all these men's virility enhancement TV ads. . . they're embarrassing to watch!'

"I'm finding it difficult to apologize to you,so I've decided to divorce you instead!"

"I regret the day we bought a memory foam mattress."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

Ereptile Dysfunction

"I'm sorry, Doctor, when you said benign growth, I thought you were referring to my husband."

'I miss the days when you used to wear cologne instead of just rolling in something in the backyard.'

"The phrase is 'score,' dude."

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

Daughter/psychiatrist

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

"You're a lot easier to live with once your antlers fall off."

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

"I came here because my podiatrist said he couldn't help me with my cold fee."

'We don't bond any more.'

"Is the light bothering you?"

"Sorry, I'm looking for a more permanent relationship."

'You were on your fishing trip so long I met someone new and raised a family.'

"Henpecked?! Don't get me started about being hen-pecked buddy!"

"This better work out."

'Wait...if you leave me, can I come too?'

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'