Modern Couple Humorist Gifts

His and Hers Charge

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

God bless our home equity line of credit.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"No, dear, the baby didn't take a selfie. It's an ultrasound."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"You call that worrying?"