Couple Humor Gifts

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

"I have a flat stomach - what else is there?"

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

'Use a tissue, dear. There's an icicle on your nose.'

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

Female sock walks away from male sock, saying: 'Look, it's just a trial separation, OK?'

"I want to make it with you."

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

"Sorry. No refunds."

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

"Let's just say that you're not trending on any site on the internet!"

'And they lived happily ever after - well beyond their means.'

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

'I see the glass as half-full. Whereas he sees the glass and blames me for the naked man hiding in the closet.'

Messages on T-Shirts: 'I'm wrong always' and 'I'm right always'.

Couple in front of computer. Screen reads 'Internet shopping with husband'. Husband is huffing, puffing and sighing.

'That's in case there's any backsliding.'

"Well of course there's a damp patch on the mattress - does it matter who sleeps on it?"

'At home, he's my husband, here; he's my dump bucket.'

'You're the most self-absorbed egomaniac it's ever been my misfortune to know.' 'I'm beginning to think we're on different wavelengths.'