Couple Humor Pillows

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

"I have a flat stomach - what else is there?"

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'Use a tissue, dear. There's an icicle on your nose.'

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"Edgar, I'm talking to you! For goodness sake, has the cat got your tongue?"

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

Female sock walks away from male sock, saying: 'Look, it's just a trial separation, OK?'

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

"I want to make it with you."

"Let's just say that you're not trending on any site on the internet!"

"Sorry. No refunds."

"Can you hold a moment? I've asked you before not to donate my organs till after I'm dead."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

'And they lived happily ever after - well beyond their means.'

'I see the glass as half-full. Whereas he sees the glass and blames me for the naked man hiding in the closet.'

'That's in case there's any backsliding.'

Messages on T-Shirts: 'I'm wrong always' and 'I'm right always'.

Couple in front of computer. Screen reads 'Internet shopping with husband'. Husband is huffing, puffing and sighing.

"Well of course there's a damp patch on the mattress - does it matter who sleeps on it?"