Marriage Humor Appreciate Gifts

"Honestly, you make clog dancing look so easy, Howard."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"No heroic measures."