Marriage Humor Appreciator Gifts

"He's fine as long as I take my medication."

"We have what you young people might call an old-fashioned marriage—we are not best friends."

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"

Wife to doctor about husband: 'It was a freak accident. He was doing some work on the house.'

'Preston, if you're making faces at me, save it for the Halloween party.'

'You can call off the search now -- I remarried.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"No heroic measures."

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'I told you he had a temper.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'