Marital Humor Fan Gifts

'I've shot him withering looks for years, but nothing like THIS has ever happened!'

This is my husband, Leonard, at approximately one-third actual size."

'What's the problem with your wife and the obscene phone calls?'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'Your constant golfing is driving a wedge between us.'

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

'Does my wife miss me? Last time home, five near misses before I got out through a closed window.'

'We can't both go home to mother!'

"It's beak-proof. That makes it perfect for the hen-pecked husband."

"But you know what they say, dear - if you love someone, let yourself go."

"I buried three husbands. . .problem was, two of them were only napping."

"Are there other visual cues you can give your husband when you don't agree with him?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

His and Hers Wedding

"Yes ... no!"

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"No heroic measures."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

'I told you he had a temper.'