Marital Humor Fan Gifts

'I've shot him withering looks for years, but nothing like THIS has ever happened!'

This is my husband, Leonard, at approximately one-third actual size."

'What's the problem with your wife and the obscene phone calls?'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'Your constant golfing is driving a wedge between us.'

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

'Does my wife miss me? Last time home, five near misses before I got out through a closed window.'

'We can't both go home to mother!'

"It's beak-proof. That makes it perfect for the hen-pecked husband."

"I buried three husbands. . .problem was, two of them were only napping."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Yes ... no!"

His and Hers Wedding

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"No heroic measures."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"