Fan Of Marital Humor Gifts

"He complains like a kid over a minor cold. He's such a groan man!"

Man Running Away From Angry Wife.

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"No heroic measures."

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."