Fan Of Marital Satire Gifts

'It's nothing against you, Harold- I just got a better offer.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Yes ... no!"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

The finer points of marriage.

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"No heroic measures."

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Well, first of all, he can't find anything, ever. I have to find the man's socks, his toothbrush

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'