Marital Satirists Gifts

'Actually, your wife's quite hot... Mind if I ask her for a date?... Post decree absolute, of course.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"Yes ... no!"

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

The finer points of marriage.

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"You call that worrying?"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."