Marriage Satirists Gifts

"You may now start packing on the pounds."

"A double wedding was a good idea. Hope that your husband and my wife don't miss us!"

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

Bad wedding

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Yes ... no!"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

The finer points of marriage.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"You call that worrying?"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"