Marital Life Satirist Gifts

"I wanted to capture the essence of my wife when I painted her. . . I think I succeeded, doc."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

The finer points of marriage.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

His and Hers.

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'